The End?

It's been awhile. I've been trying to muster the desire to go on a date or to write about not going on a date. At times, I've thought about joining a convent, literally. It sounded nice. No worries about a job, dates, or what to wear. In the long run though, it would never work for me. I don't like the shoes nuns have to wear. They kind of look like Famolare's on a good day. I do look good with short hair and hats though.
In the end, I wasn't having fun with this blog anymore. As much as I wanted to try and have fun it just wasn't there. I have a really bad habit of not liking something as soon as it's forced upon me. (Blame it on my childhood.) When the idea of dating became something I "had to do" it lost it's fun. I felt pressure to find dates, go on dates, and meet more people. I got to a point, in my convent stage, where I just wanted to stay home by myself with a good show and my cute dog.
I'm still in the convent stage but I'm sure I'll come out of it at some point. Summer is coming, I think, and that usually puts a spring in my step.
So, for now, and maybe for good - I'm backing off the blog. Thanks for reading and who knows, maybe it will revive itself or maybe I'll find a new topic.

Love is in the Air

The last two weeks have felt like a lot longer. I flew to Cape Town, South Africa for work. I was there and back in one week. Ouch. So much "ouch" that I came home with Shingles. It's put a cramp in my dating life, mostly because I've been pretty exhausted. I am, hopefully, getting back on the horse this week.
I did have the fantasy that I might meet someone lovely on my 25 hour flight. I figure how often are you confined to such a small space with potential dates all around.
On my return flight from Cape Town to Amsterdam, my luck changed. In the window seat was a fairly good looking guy and we chatted a bit while we waited to see if the middle seat would be filled. It was filled and then some. A very good looking, very tall and slender guy took up that seat. Yeah for me! Unfortunately it was a night flight so our first date consisted of just sleeping together. It felt very odd, on the few occasions when I'd wake up, to see this lovely man sleeping next to me. I felt a little like cuddling closer to him. As it was we shifted from sleeping face to face to spooning.
In the end, we only talked as we were nearing Amsterdam. He was headed home to Barcelona, returning from two weeks vacation in Cape Town.
Oh well, maybe flights aren't the best place to meet someone.

Control

It's been awhile since I last posted. I kind of lost momentum in the last couple of weeks. The last date I had was the last week of February. I was able to squeeze in one date for the month. I didn't make quota but at least I got one date. It was a set-up from a friend. We didn't have much in common - he's a republican & a hunter - but it's all about having fun and finding out more about myself. I'm not sure the date re-confirmed anything for me but it was a nice night out. He was a very nice guy.
Since looking back on the date, I realized something about myself and/or men and/or dating today.
This guy invited me to a really nice restaurant in Seattle. I actually felt like I might need to dress up a little. It was a really sweet gesture. He also paid and wouldn't let me pay for anything. This has been my experience since I started this project. I haven't paid for a thing on any date unless I really insist and they only let me if it's something small like a round of drinks. Now, this is really nice and a great way to manage my budget. However, it has me thinking about a few things.
When I was in my twenty's, I would always insist on paying my half. My thinking was that I didn't want to owe the guy anything. I felt if we kept it even than we were on a level playing field.
A few years ago a good guy friend of mine suggested, in his opinion, that you need to let a guy feel like a guy. Let him make the plans, even if they suck. You need to let him feel like he's in charge and that he's a man. Well, I'm starting to believe he's right. I dated a guy a few months ago who was younger and just starting out in his career. I think it really bothered him that I was successful in my career and could take care of myself. I didn't really "need" him and I think all his past girlfriends needed him. There was a moment when we were making some plans and I told him "I don't know what I'm doing, you are in charge". It was like I flipped some switch with him. The following week I was getting all sorts of gooshy text messages from him. I loved it. I had no idea that a simple gesture like releasing control could make such a difference.
I've struggled with trying to control things over the last few years. I think I let things get too out of control with a past relationship and lost myself completely.
I think you have to know who you are and what you want in order to give up control to another person. You aren't really giving up control. You're letting go of your ego. It was hard but it was really ok for me to say "you're in charge". I felt really good doing it. The benefits of me doing that were completely unexpected. I'd do it again in a second.
I've found that on all these dates, I no longer have a problem letting the guy pay for everything. It makes him feel good to pay. I think it's nice that I offer but they feel better knowing that they can handle it. And my ego really isn't so big anymore that I can't let someone else feel good for a moment.

Checking In

The month of February has only 6 nights left in it and I haven't had a single date this month. A friend, and fan of the blog, is doing her part to help my project and has introduced me to someone who I hope to go out with on Thursday. We are comically worlds apart (or cosmically), which my friend knows but she's doing her part for my cause and dating education. Thank her when I write up that date.
Honestly I found myself really frustrated and burnt out this month. Two months into this dating project and I was already feeling this way? That's either a really scary foreshadowing of my future or it says something about dating in this day and age. I think part of my burn out was that I jumped into this with so much enthusiasm in January and signed myself up for a bunch of activities in addition to dates and before I knew it I had no time to myself. I really need downtime to re-charge and face the world. When I don’t have it I get really grumpy and my fuse grows short.

I think the other thing is that I really feel that this should be easier. I know that there are so many good single people in Seattle that don’t want to be single anymore. For some reason, connecting to these people has been challenging in the past.

When I was in college, and even post-college, finding someone that I liked and wanted to date was so incredibly easy. I remember my senior year of college I had broken up with one guy and immediately started dating another guy. I came out of the Business School one afternoon to find a rose on the right side of the windshield of my car and a note on the left side of the windshield. The rose was from the new guy and the note from the old guy (complaining about how he wanted to leave me a note and there was already a rose on the windshield). I had men fighting over me! About a year ago I found an old diary and one entry was like a laundry list of guys that I liked and me debating over which one I liked more and should date. I wish I had this problem right now.

Back to the easy theme and today – part of me feels like I’m doing this whole process because there’s some lesson for me to experience and something to learn about myself. I have the ability/good fortune/frustration of knowing that everything is going to be ok. I can feel and know that I’m not going to be single forever and I will end up with an amazing guy. The frustration is going through these experiences because I need to, because they get me to where I need to be in the long run & trying to be patient with the process and timeline.

This goes back to the theme of it should be easier. I kind of feel like I’m doing all of this, just to do it, and its not really about meeting someone. It actually wasn’t ever supposed to be about meeting someone. Maybe I lost the original intent of the blog the last month. It was to have fun and learn something about myself. It wasn’t about meeting the guy of my dreams.

I have these angel cards. They have one word on them and you can pick a card each day or whatever you like. The angel card that I’ve picked twice in the last 3 days is “Play”. I’ve been hard on myself this month trying to hit my dating quota & forgot to have fun. I’m very goal oriented so maybe it was a bad idea to give myself a quota.

March kicks off with a twenty-five hour flight to Cape Town, South Africa. Maybe it’s possible to meet someone nice while confined to an airplane cabin for that length of time. Even if the person sitting next to me isn’t up to snuff I can probably make my way to the galley and see who else is hanging around. I did meet someone on my flight back from San Francisco last weekend. It was actually a very woo-woo meeting. He came up to talk with me in the gate waiting area. Once I got on the plane I ended up changing seats so that a father and son could sit together and I found myself sitting next to the same guy from the gate area. I found out that we both have a fascination with quantum physics but I was too hung over to continue that discussion on the flight. He gave me his business card and we’ve emailed so perhaps that could develop into a date.

Wanted: Sales Rep

I have found that in addition to working my regular job, I'm now a sales rep for myself and my dating project. It's exhausting.
I find myself culling for date leads. If someone tells me once that they might possibly have someone that they kind of know, that's a lead. I then have to follow up with this person to find out a few things about this possible date. Is he actually single? No. End of lead. Is he single and interested in being set-up? No. End of lead. I keep going around and around trying to find out who's an actual reasonable lead for a date. That leads me to the "qualified lead stage". Once I have a qualified lead, the next step is to connect us via email or the phone. We have a conversation and make a date. Sale complete! Well, technically the sale isn't complete until we go on the date. Once that happens the date goes towards my sales quota of 2 dates per month. January was a good month. I had 3 dates! That tied the record for all of last year.
So far February is slow. However, I'm a big believer in sandbagging. For those without the sales lingo, that means that I say I've got nothing and the last week of the month I'll bring in my sales, I mean go on dates, and hit my quota. That's pretty much what I did in January. I'm a procrastinator and work better under pressure.
I have a couple of leads for this month. They are both unqualified leads right now. Two other leads that I thought would hit this month moved to the March sales, I mean date window. I'm definitely sandbagging those and moving them for sure to March so that I hit my quota that month.
I'm still enjoying this experience and really thankful for how it's opened me up to trying out a lot of new things and experiences. I kind of equate it to getting dressed for a night out and I'm trying on lots of different outfits to see what's perfect to wear. Some pants are too loose, some shirts too tight. I'm trying to find out what's just right for me.
I had a second date with the "B" named guy from my last entry. It was nice enough but I didn't feel like the conversation was overly interesting, easy, or stimulating. My week had been really busy and I was exhausted and ready to end the night fairly early. I think that's legitimate but I think if I really, really liked him I would have been energized by his company and not noticed how tired I was feeling. C'est la vie.

Is this what's called "dating", because if it is, I'm in the middle of Date-o-Rama

What a week. I’m exhausted. I had my first bowling night on Tuesday, two dates, and I volunteered for the first time on Saturday. Whew! It was all for the blog. I have to admit, I’m having a blast. I don’t know if I’ve ever had two dates in one week. All the other activities are great too. I’ve been a homebody recently and it makes it pretty hard to meet anyone when all you do is work and stay at home. I think I can definitely say I’m out of my homebody rut and now I’m looking forward to a nice ebb and flow of social outings.

I was debating using fake names or any names for that matter on the date recaps below or moving forward. If I go on more dates with either person, I think it will make it easier for me to refer to their fake names than say, “the guy who I went to dinner with”. So, that being said, the names below have been changed to protect everyone’s privacy.

My first date was with, Adam, a guy that I went on a couple of dates with last year. We reconnected a few months ago but couldn’t find a time to connect. We ended up going out to eat and to a show. I had a great time. I always have a great time with him. He’s incredibly generous and seems very loyal to those that he cares about. Unfortunately, I’m just not feeling it. I’ve tried really hard to see if I can’t get those feelings. I’ve been accused of being too quick to make a judgment about whether I like someone or not. The thing is, I just know when I have a connection with someone. It can even be with someone who is just a friend. I’ve gained some good friends in this manner. Unfortunately, I haven’t found that any feelings have grown by continuing to spend more time with this guy. I wish it could be different but I think it is probably time to have a talk and see if he’s open to just hanging out as friends. I have no idea if that will fly but I hope it does. I would love to hang out with him again.

Friday night I went out on my first official set-up since starting the blog. The set-up came through a woman I met through another girlfriend. We don’t know each other really well, for example, I saw her back in December for the first time since early 2008. Anyway, she was one of many, many people who I sent my email request for set-ups. She enthusiastically responded by setting me up with her friend, Brian. We met for happy hour downtown.

I like happy hour for a set-up. When you don’t know anything about each other, you have no idea if an hour will be too short or way too long. I think it’s better to just have this short interaction with each other and if you actually like each other you can easily go out again. I’d rather look forward to another date than continue to glance at the time and wish for it to fly.

We had a great time talking and spent more than an hour getting to know each other. I found out that we know a few of the same people. I find this comforting, somewhat annoying, and a reoccurring situation in Seattle.

When you are searching for common ground with someone you know nothing about, finding out that you know the same people tells you a few things about the other person. First, it immediately puts the person into a nice little box. Everyone talks about how bad it is to put someone in a box but we all do it. We like nice little packages and categories for defining people. Second, it means, hopefully that this person is not a murderer. Now, I watch a lot of true crime stories, so my theory here isn’t very solid. Perfectly nice law abiding police officers and ministers murder their wives all the time. Hopefully though my chances of being murdered on a first date with someone I don’t know is lessened by the fact that we know the same people.

The fact that we know the same people can also be annoying when they are actually people that you don’t like or want distance from. I don’t really have that overwhelming feeling about our friends in common on this occasion but it could be a problem in the future.

Seattle can feel like a small city when you cross paths with someone that knows the same people as you do. I think it can feel a little disheartening when you are trying to meet someone new and you just cross paths with the same groups over and over again. You might start thinking you’ve met everyone you could meet in one city. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way.

Back to the date – we had a nice conversation, covering all the basic first date topics: childhood, college, work, recreation, and music. As we were saying good-bye he mentioned that he’d like to go out again. I think I’d have a good time going out with him again. I’m not feeling any chemistry from one date but as one of my guy friends suggested to me a few years ago, I must give it at least two dates before I make any decisions. This doesn't support my "I just know when I have a connection with someone" feeling but at this point I don't think it hurts to go on a second date.

Both of these guys are in my age group, meaning they are the same age or a few years older. Both seem, if I can be so bold, highly interested in another date. I can confidentially say I am interested in another date, only because I think it would be fun. I don’t feel attracted to either guy. I don’t feel like I have chemistry with either one.

Is going out with someone just because it would be fun a legitimate reason for going out on a date? Is this what people call “dating”. I really don’t think I’ve ever dated. I’ve only been in relationships. I met someone. I really liked them. I had a relationship with them for a period of time. I’ve never gone out repeatedly with someone when there wasn’t an immediate attraction or an objective in mind.

I guess this is the whole point of this blog experiment and my intention for the year. I want to have fun, be creative and play. I suppose going out on dates without a goal in mind fits my intention for the year. Hopefully I can stay out of my head long enough to continue with that intention and just enjoy myself. As long as I’m honest with the people I’m spending time with and they are in agreement, than it’s okay right?

Bowling for Love

Last night I went to my first bowling league night. I signed up for the league thinking it could be a good way to meet people and have some fun. The league is part of a low pressure, social sports group that organizes activities in addition to bowling. I joined a group like this when I first moved to Seattle and it was a great way to meet people. I played indoor and beach volleyball as well as flag football for probably four years. I stayed in touch with the people I met and hung out with them socially for some time.
I joined this league as an independent player so the league basically was responsible for pairing me up with a team. As per usual, I didn’t really think about all of this until I drove into the parking lot of the bowling alley. I saw a much older, gray haired man lumbering out of his car and heading into the building. I immediately realized that I had no idea if there were any perimeters to this organization. I didn’t know anything about who participates. I just assumed it was like the group I did when I was 24. Since my intention for signing up was less about improving my bowling score and definitely about meeting people to go on dates with, I panicked. My mind flashed to the team I would be paired with and I thought they might be a bunch of duds. I thought there might not be any social interaction except with my team and my five-week commitment of bowling could drag on. I reminded myself that I was here to have fun and not to take it too seriously. This is was a quick pep talk since I was already walking into the building as I gave it to myself.
Once I got into the building, I quickly saw that there was a wide range of ages and social groups. Perfect. I found my way to my team’s lane and waited to meet my teammates.
One by one my teammates showed up. I was the only woman there that night so it was three guys and me. They were all really nice guys and all engineers. Two had just moved to town and the other one had been here a couple of years. Guy #1, had just moved here for a job five months ago and was a recent college graduate. Guy #2 had moved here for a job two and a half years ago and worked at Microsoft. Guy #3, I will call Andy Roddick because he looks like Andy Roddick. I love Andy Roddick…the real one. For those that don’t know, he is a professional tennis player, one of the top ten in the world. I watch tennis tournaments just to see him because of his powerhouse serves and forward stance but also because he’s really cute.
Anyway, I think guy #3 or Andy Roddick, might have date potential. I have no idea how old he is but I’m guessing somewhere between 25-27. I think that’s an improvement on the Russian’s age. He seemed interesting and was pushing for all of us on the team to go golf. I explained I don’t golf and I would just slow them down but he insisted. We’ll see if I brave that adventure or push for something more my speed like miniature golf.
Either way, I'm glad I signed up for the league. I think it will be a lot of fun and there seems to be potential to meet a lot of people. Everyone took the night lightly and wasn't too serious about their bowling game. Thank goodness since that is just my speed, unlike one of my teammates, who owns a bowling ball.